Darkness encroaches

Every year this time we start to feel sluggish and want to go to bed earlier, well Mike does at least.  It's an interesting time,  going from adjusting to all that light and now all the darkness.  It's also a time of year that reminds me of some darker days, one specifically. 

It's been three years now since we've lived here.  Most of you know that three years ago I was pregnant and on the 24th of this month we found out our baby had died.  A very sad period for me.  My heart broke into a million pieces.  So it shouldn't be any surprise that I get a bit heightened emotions this time of year. 

Just a couple days ago I mentioned to Mike that we would have had a 2 1/2 year old right now.  It was a weird thought and I said it without much emotion but it triggered the pool within and I couldn't stop the tears from coming.  It always catches me a bit off guard when I do tear up about this.  Time is a great healer, I think I'm just fine when out of no where something might trigger that pool of emotions again. 

I've made my peace with it long ago.  My faith helps me understand where my baby is and what the future holds.   But there are times that I do get a bit sad or emotional.  I don't think that's abnormal and they are definitely farther and fewer in between.  In fact I'm sometimes glad for these times.  The whole experience felt a bit surreal.  We were here with no friends or family and the only physical reminder I have is a fuzzy ultrasound picture that showed a perfectly healthy baby.  I'm not even sure where that is as I remember saying to myself,  it's all I have, I need to put it somewhere safe, where it won't get lost, but now I can't remember where that place was.  I'm sure I'll find it soon enough.

So these are some of my random thoughts.  I love my family, my kids, my spouse.  I know that the life I have is good.  I also know that God is good and He knows me, my heart, my desires, and my heartaches.