Reflections

Tomorrow is my due date and I have been reflecting somewhat on my life, motherhood, and this loss. I've no doubt that there are reasons for the trials we endure and understand that perhaps we may not know why we go through them. I'm grateful, so far, for the things I have learned.

Today I watched my two of my friend's children. We had a lot fun and danced around, acting silly and crazy. Her daughter would hug me and squeeze me every two seconds. She smiled at me constantly. I had so much fun dancing with them but took a break and just watched. For a brief moment I felt a slight twinge of pain, thinking that I'd never have a little girl to dance with. I love dancing with my boys and who knows the baby may have been another boy, though inside me I feel like it was a girl. Then I was back to normal and enjoyed the rest of the time we had to play. I particularly liked watching Sam and Emma lay on their tummies in the fort and hearing Sam say " I like playing with Enema" He adds "n's" all the time to words. It's pretty funny.

As our first batch of kids left another friend brought her daughter by so she could go to the doctor. She is absolutely adorable and only 18 months. My kids love to touch her soft hair that sticks up in little pony tails on her head. They think she is cute and want to hold her. We had a blast with her too. We did a little ninja fighting and some more dancing. I caught her and David in the kitchen having a little picnic of left over pretzels from lunch. She sat on his lap and he just looked so happy. Another tiny twinge came as I wanted my boys to have the sister they had prayed for. Since living here my boys have started adopting sisters. David particularly likes to adopt girls he likes from church and declare them his sister. I think little Bella is one of them.

I've recently been reading some books that have convinced me how important my role of mother is. This has also caused me great reflection. One of the books I am amazed at all the wonderful memories the young man has of his mother and I think how I want so badly for my children to only remember the good. The other is about horrible memories of abuse and neglect. I think of how difficult this man's life was and how he had to over come so much to feel worth and value. I realize that perhaps my heart is saddened by the loss of a baby I thought was meant to be but realize that I still have the most important role on earth. I hope and pray that I can give my children all the love and discipline they need to grow up and say "My mom is the best" and in turn be wonderful men and fathers.

Evils of Soda

I like to read nutrition books. Not that I eat the most nutritious diet but I like to learn about what's good for you. My most recent read is a diet book ( I have never actually participated in a set diet). It's called "The Fiber 35 diet, Nature's Weight loss Secret. I already believe strongly in whole grains and fiberous foods. Especially after having my Jack go to a specialist for bowel troubles and realizing that we really don't eat as much fiber as I thought we did. So here's a little blurb from the book about soda.

WARNING: SUGAR AND SOFT DRINKS
Sodas can pack a ferocious punch of calories. The 64-ounce "Big Gulp" soft drink sold at convenience stores can account for as much as 900 or 1,000 calories in just one serving. It's possible to consume more calories from soda and other sweet drinks than from any other food. And diet drinks, while they are a better alternative then regular sodas, are not necessarily a safe bet. Artificial sugars commonly used in diet sodas can trigger a sugar craving and lead to blood sguar imbalances. Studies have also shown that the risk of becoming overweight increases by a whopping 41 perscent with each can of diet soda consumed daily.

I just thought I'd share this little thought with you. I am trying to eat healthier but man am I addicted to sugar. I still count my fruit and yogurt parfaits as one of my favorite desserts but I also like all the other junk too.

Oh it also states in this book that dark chocolate (my favorite) has 4 grams of fiber. It has to be 70 percent though. I know most people don't like it but I say bring it on! It's so good!

Fancy shmancy

This was us for our fancy night out. It was impossible to find a modest dress here so I borrowed this one from a friend. My kids were so excited because it's pink and they think all girls love pink. ;) They couldnt' wait for me to wear it. Mike has his mess dress on and it was a fun evening. I actaully wore heels too. Those of you who know me know I don't really wear heels. :) I didn't fall once not even on the icy drive.

Surprise

Today I surprised myself. As my original due date approaches (Feb. 23), I have been worried that I am going to be an emotional wreck. I had a nice little crying moment last week but today I surprised myself. David's primary teacher recently had a baby girl. I was talking with her ( I don't really know her yet) and I asked if I could hold her baby. I'm not one to ask to hold everyone's babies and in fact it's been something I have avoided recently. I don't know what came over me but I wanted to hold the baby and then I even told her that when we moved here I was pregnant but lost the baby and that the due date was coming up. I said it all with a smile and didn't even get emotional. I really didn't feel overwhelming sadness. I would say most of the ward doesn't know I was pregnant when we got here, just a handful. Maybe it's just easier to say now. I was happy to know I could hold a new baby and be happy for this woman to have such a wonderful little person to love and care for and not feel sad about my own loss. Life is good and my teenagers were fairly well behaved today. :) Feeling pretty good.