Reflections

Tomorrow is my due date and I have been reflecting somewhat on my life, motherhood, and this loss. I've no doubt that there are reasons for the trials we endure and understand that perhaps we may not know why we go through them. I'm grateful, so far, for the things I have learned.

Today I watched my two of my friend's children. We had a lot fun and danced around, acting silly and crazy. Her daughter would hug me and squeeze me every two seconds. She smiled at me constantly. I had so much fun dancing with them but took a break and just watched. For a brief moment I felt a slight twinge of pain, thinking that I'd never have a little girl to dance with. I love dancing with my boys and who knows the baby may have been another boy, though inside me I feel like it was a girl. Then I was back to normal and enjoyed the rest of the time we had to play. I particularly liked watching Sam and Emma lay on their tummies in the fort and hearing Sam say " I like playing with Enema" He adds "n's" all the time to words. It's pretty funny.

As our first batch of kids left another friend brought her daughter by so she could go to the doctor. She is absolutely adorable and only 18 months. My kids love to touch her soft hair that sticks up in little pony tails on her head. They think she is cute and want to hold her. We had a blast with her too. We did a little ninja fighting and some more dancing. I caught her and David in the kitchen having a little picnic of left over pretzels from lunch. She sat on his lap and he just looked so happy. Another tiny twinge came as I wanted my boys to have the sister they had prayed for. Since living here my boys have started adopting sisters. David particularly likes to adopt girls he likes from church and declare them his sister. I think little Bella is one of them.

I've recently been reading some books that have convinced me how important my role of mother is. This has also caused me great reflection. One of the books I am amazed at all the wonderful memories the young man has of his mother and I think how I want so badly for my children to only remember the good. The other is about horrible memories of abuse and neglect. I think of how difficult this man's life was and how he had to over come so much to feel worth and value. I realize that perhaps my heart is saddened by the loss of a baby I thought was meant to be but realize that I still have the most important role on earth. I hope and pray that I can give my children all the love and discipline they need to grow up and say "My mom is the best" and in turn be wonderful men and fathers.